I'm traveling on a journey. One that I have been on for quite some time. Even though the souls of my shoes aren't worn from actual places I have been throughout this journey, my spiritual soul is thirsty, tired, looking for an end to what has been, at times, puzzling. The most fearful part has been the place of apathy that I find myself residing in. I'm glad that I don't like this place (apathy). I would be worried if I did. This journey is like a long car ride. Like the one we just took to see our children in Texas for Thanksgiving, 20 hours there, 18 hours back (we didn't sleep on the way home). We've all been on one of these trips. We've been the child in the back seat saying "are we there yet", after being in the car for maybe.....15 minutes on a day long trip. I think of God as He drives me along on this journey. To Him, these two years are like a 'vapor' in time as He knows and presides over. I repeatedly find myself saying "am I there yet God?" I have no sense of any answer except...'wait, soon, keep searching.' I wonder if the ending isn't up to me. Maybe I could have been there already but I have lacked the determination needed to arrive. I can say with certainty I have encountered more 'closed' doors along this particular journey then any other one. This may sound sad, final, even discouraging. However, to me it brings encouragement, hope. I know that God is the one closing the doors, making it clear where He "doesn't" want me going. By not allowing me to 'enter' in He is telling me "I'm here. I have a plan." This alone....this very act of 'NO' causes my soul to rejoice. As usual, God is faithful to provide "marker moments" in my life. I had one this morning. Upon reading words written thousands of years ago, I felt understood. A sense of rejuvenation, if you will. Call it a second wind. Psalm 42:4,5 "These things I remember, and I pour out my soul within me. For I used to go along with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God. With the voice of joy and thanksgiving, a multitude keeping festival. Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him. For the help of His presence." O.K., once again I will lace up my hiking boots, fill up my water jug, grab a snack and head out. Maybe I will encounter more closed doors. Possibly. However, no journey is w/out a purpose or an end.


Jor said...

Look where your journey has taken you over the course of your life, over the course of your children's. With every poised and graceful step you've embedded in your path, a new memory, lesson and experience has emerged.
Whether you meant to or not, you taught me, through the actions of your own, that there is always a way; always the assurance of a beaming glimmer of hope at the end of an oftentimes narrow, and dimly lit path.

Looking forward to seeing you and the mr. over the holiday break!

Tam said...

Thanks 'JER'....looking forward to seeing you too! Put up a 'new' tree this evening w/the hub. Got out your little gingerbread men that you made us two years ago :) The face and names are almost gone,but they are all in one piece.